Did you see me?

Did you see me?

I was writing in this blog.

I was checking the preview.

In big letters, the title read "My Boyfriend is Stupid"

You said I looked like you.

Because you weren't really paying attention to what I was doing.

I'm just at the family desk.

"your desk"

And you want to sit here.






Now you're talking to your friend.

The one that wants to fuck me.

He's staying at the house for a week.

He didn't ask anyone.

He assumed he was and I didn't say no.

So I sit at the desk, happy there's a wall between us.

And I wonder when you'll see me.

He does.

The world is fundamentally different today

Dear Nisha,

I see the world fundamentally different today than I saw it yesterday.

There's a loneliness; a constant burning in my chest that makes it hard to breath.

And the only thing that will cure it is the soothing ointment of physical affection.

But I've been trained now, if I seek it out from another, then he too will give his away.

But if I seek it out from him, I will be denied.

So I have nothing.

Nothing but myself to blame for staying here, in destitution.

My own poverty of spirit making it too difficult to get up and walk out.
Sleeping on the streets, they see me as a lady of the night.

And this weekend, I saw myself that way too.

And I'm tired of it, so I live in this halfway house. The affection is given to me from a soup ladle, one scoop in the morning, one scoop at night.

You can see my haggardness. No one wants to take a chance on someone as haggard as me.

One scoop in the morning.
One scoop in the evening.

Give me a chance. It doesn't need to be permanent. Just enough to fill my hungred haunches. To put some life on these bones. To put some flush into my cheeks.

Aren't I good enough? It would be nice if I could stay there in perpetuity, but I just dream of a chance to hope again.

Could I save myself?

I had given up yesterday.

Alone in silence, surrounded by friends.

empty




Maybe I'll build that computer. Maybe I'll make the connections I long for. Maybe I'll prove to myself I deserve that chance.


or maybe

i'll just





give up

give me time

Dear Jake,
I know I said I was good. And I still am. But I realize that I'm also sad. We said we had never been more than friends, but it feels like we were something, and it feels like we broke up.

I don't expect anything from you. And I don't want anything from you until you feel emotionally healthy again to give it. But I do owe it to myself to express my feelings truthfully. So that's what I'm doing.

Sincerly,
Nisha

Taka messaged me today, using an obscenity to describe Koreans. For someone who is so upset when Chinese people stop being friendly to him after learning he's Japanese, I'm surprised by his anger and hypocrisy. Suddenly, I don't like Taka anymore....