Forget

 I want to just forget. Forget him, forget everything.

Why can't you be there for me? Why do you cover up my memories with lies? 

It hurts that much? revel in the pain, you weak little man. 

I want to heap pain on you, so you can finally feel. 

Know what I know.

Hear what I hear.

Cry what I cry.

I am alone. 

Because I am with you.

Death

 My babies are dead.

My boyfriend asked them to die.

I wanted him to be happy.

I wanted to protect him from pain.

Little did I know…..we can't protect each other from pain. We can just support you as it happens.

How foolish I am! How absolutely foolish!

To want something so badly, and to give yourself up so completely to get it.

I sold my soul to the devil. 

And I miss you, my children. I can never get you back.

But I will flail myself until I bleed wishing for it.

Did you see me?

Did you see me?

I was writing in this blog.

I was checking the preview.

In big letters, the title read "My Boyfriend is Stupid"

You said I looked like you.

Because you weren't really paying attention to what I was doing.

I'm just at the family desk.

"your desk"

And you want to sit here.






Now you're talking to your friend.

The one that wants to fuck me.

He's staying at the house for a week.

He didn't ask anyone.

He assumed he was and I didn't say no.

So I sit at the desk, happy there's a wall between us.

And I wonder when you'll see me.

He does.

The world is fundamentally different today

Dear Nisha,

I see the world fundamentally different today than I saw it yesterday.

There's a loneliness; a constant burning in my chest that makes it hard to breath.

And the only thing that will cure it is the soothing ointment of physical affection.

But I've been trained now, if I seek it out from another, then he too will give his away.

But if I seek it out from him, I will be denied.

So I have nothing.

Nothing but myself to blame for staying here, in destitution.

My own poverty of spirit making it too difficult to get up and walk out.
Sleeping on the streets, they see me as a lady of the night.

And this weekend, I saw myself that way too.

And I'm tired of it, so I live in this halfway house. The affection is given to me from a soup ladle, one scoop in the morning, one scoop at night.

You can see my haggardness. No one wants to take a chance on someone as haggard as me.

One scoop in the morning.
One scoop in the evening.

Give me a chance. It doesn't need to be permanent. Just enough to fill my hungred haunches. To put some life on these bones. To put some flush into my cheeks.

Aren't I good enough? It would be nice if I could stay there in perpetuity, but I just dream of a chance to hope again.

Could I save myself?

I had given up yesterday.

Alone in silence, surrounded by friends.

empty




Maybe I'll build that computer. Maybe I'll make the connections I long for. Maybe I'll prove to myself I deserve that chance.


or maybe

i'll just





give up

give me time

Dear Jake,
I know I said I was good. And I still am. But I realize that I'm also sad. We said we had never been more than friends, but it feels like we were something, and it feels like we broke up.

I don't expect anything from you. And I don't want anything from you until you feel emotionally healthy again to give it. But I do owe it to myself to express my feelings truthfully. So that's what I'm doing.

Sincerly,
Nisha

Taka messaged me today, using an obscenity to describe Koreans. For someone who is so upset when Chinese people stop being friendly to him after learning he's Japanese, I'm surprised by his anger and hypocrisy. Suddenly, I don't like Taka anymore....

One more try and two more years

I don't know when I can stop having kids. And I didn't know when I started wanting them. When I was 19, I remember distinctly wanting to adopt for the good of the planet and the good of the world.

Well, now that I think about it, I actually do know when I started wanting kids. It was 2013 about, I was just graduating from University of Iowa and that theatre professor who had started preying on me told me how much he wanted to have kids.

His obsession somehow stuck with me. I became him in many ways, obsessed with how old I was becoming and finding someone to have a child with. I was becoming him...

Dude, is that the answer I've been looking for?

I've been crying and freaking out for weeks now that Taka dumped me again. Wondering what I was going to do with myself now that I have no future in Japan with inlaws, etc. etc.

Neil is out with another girl. He won't reply to my messages. I don't even know if he'll come back tonight. And Micheal just came on line. I'm so confused. My own wishy washyness really got me into this.

I'm even texting Sasha for company. Am I a loner? Am I alone? What am I doing right now? What do I want to be doing?

Calling my friends and they give me the same answers that I always hear. They might be good answers, but I'm looking for different answers? I'm looking for answers that burn inside my heart with truth? I'm chasing a dragon of rational thinking and spinning my wheels as I go nowhere and do nothing.

Who's out there? Can you hear me? I'm screaming silence into a deafening quiet.

The only person of the 10 people I texted was Taka, only to tell me to "move on." I'm trying, you know? I just don't know where I'm going at the moment, or what I'm doing anymore. You date so many people and you don't know what anyone wants anymore, the colors all start turing into a pale white and everything starts looking the same, even though they themselves are different.

Complete knowledge is a blank canvas. It's in the separation and the limited absorption that we can get colors.

I want to make an album.
I want to have a kid that looks like me.
I want to be fluent in Japanese.
I want to be a foreign diplomat. (?) maybe not (?)
I want to create the most epic of porn novels
I want to create a video game

The Optimistic Family

When I told my family about how Taka dumped me....well, each and everyone of them said "I'm sure you guys can work this out."

I'm not even kidding you.

In America, if you tell your friend that a friend dumped you, they say "It's time to move on."

I'm not sure how to take this news.

I asked if we could meet  to talk, and he said yes! After my trip to Pakistan that is. I don't know how he'll feel or what we'll talk about. But my brother said that as long as I can "keep it chill" then it may work.

My Dad confirmed..."Just don't get emotional! Show him your strong and you're worth it.  The fact that my dad actually liked the sound of one of my boyfriends it in of itself makes my jaw drop. "Would you like me to fly out and meet him?" He asks me, knowing that Taka and I are currently broken up...hang on, dad. Let me see if I can even get back together with him.

In my experience, if you are completely honest with the other person and also keep trying, the relationship will keep going. But just like the undead rising, the resulting creature is unpredictable and entirely different from what you started with.

In that moment of hoping and wanting, you are faced too with the truth of yourself. I remember, after begging my ex to get back together with me, he asked "Do you really think it will work?" and then I knew my tears and crying were for a lost dream, not a lost man. It was the death of the innocence of true love and your only one.

But with Taka....it was 6 months of no fights and joy. We never spent a day together that wasn't enjoyable until the week before he broke up with me. But it wasn't his fault, it was me. I usually sequester myself when I have PMS, but this week we had a trip planned, and so we needed to go. And we got into a fight. And then...it was over.

I mean, I know....some people talk to their partners about their behavior rather than just assuming the worst and bailing. But...enough people have told me that I need to work on the hyper emotions that it doens't even matter. It's my fault because I know I have a problem and I know I have to fix it. Fin.

Anyway, I am hoping for the best for the conversation Taka and I will have next week. I also have been trying to mentally prepare for if he decides to bail:

I text him "I'm back in town." Only that to test if he even wants to meet. A day goes by and no reply. No reply the next. Day after day after day. What will I text him next? "We're still meeting up, right?" How far will it go. I need to promise myself that  if after I ask to meet with him and he doesn't reply, that it's over. IT'S OVER. PLEASE PROMISE ME.

I promise, Nisha. I promise.