So much has happened since we last spoke. I'm sorry that I haven't had much time for introspection recently.
It's an unusual thing that made me think to talk to you: I am now sitting next to a lady that does Dev-Ops. First off, I feel very connected to her. She is a woman who dresses the way she wants to and courageously lives the way she wants to. She's into death metal and cats. She dresses in baggy jeans and a hoodie. She's not trying to be a different gender, she just fits into female in her own comfortable way. I feel like I do too, but she and I feel comfortable with completely different things. I like strong colors, bold patterns, and unique cuts. She likes baggy pants and grunge shirts. I'm into musicals, and she's into death metal.
But somehow we become immediate friends.
We share a liking of acai bowls and chocolate-flavored omiyage. We love music. We both challenge ourselves with new things.
And we both apologize too much.
It's hard for me to come to terms with how guilty she feels at accepting offers from me.
It is the woman's curse. I don't know when we were hexed, or by whom. I spent decades getting beaten by my father, never apologizing to him as I do to society. I am in constant fear of my own failings.
Let me describe how these fears manifest, Nisha, as I have a tale for today.
So I had just finished a product, as I was about to push to remote when I started getting an error. My whole screen turned red. At first I thought it was a simple fix, but as hour after hour peeled by, I realized I was going to need help from a coworker.
He wasn't experiencing the same thing, so the presumption he made was that it was my fault. He left me to resolve this issue by myself. The day passed and I hadn't gotten any further to solving it.
I looked at all the items I was working on. I hadn't done anything! And it was my fault! I put the tickets as done, but unable to get them pushed.
On Monday, a few coworkers had made changes over the weekend, but still no problems, yet my problems persisted. I reached out to a different coworker this time, and he could not find a solution to my problem, but eventually, he realized he too was getting the same error.
He started pressing everyone to immediately fix it, citing that I had been blocked for a long time because of this problem. Turned out this problem would take two more days to fix.
But why I had been so quick to accept it as my fault? Why did I immediately assume my job was in jeopardy because I couldn't fix it sooner?
It may not seem like much, but the fact that I make less than my coworkers makes me feel like I have less authority and less ownership. I'm tired of being told 'no' when I ask for a salaried position.
And that brings everything back, because this woman, who was the Dev-Ops for Coca-cola among other big name companies...was also told no whenever she asked for a raise. She watched her other male coworkers get promoted but not her. It was only 20 years ago where men would unabashedly and perfectly-legally say that she was a woman and 'Women didn't deserve to get paid as much.' 20 years!! The people that were 30 and saying that are now 50 and feeling it. Those that were 20 and hearing their male coworkers saying it, are now 40 and trying to run away from those demons that are surely, though quietly, stalking them in the darkness of their memories.
And now this woman says sorry to everyone. Because she's sorry. We're all sorry. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for being not what you hoped. Sorry for being different.
Sorry for being a woman.
But somehow we become immediate friends.
We share a liking of acai bowls and chocolate-flavored omiyage. We love music. We both challenge ourselves with new things.
And we both apologize too much.
It's hard for me to come to terms with how guilty she feels at accepting offers from me.
It is the woman's curse. I don't know when we were hexed, or by whom. I spent decades getting beaten by my father, never apologizing to him as I do to society. I am in constant fear of my own failings.
Let me describe how these fears manifest, Nisha, as I have a tale for today.
So I had just finished a product, as I was about to push to remote when I started getting an error. My whole screen turned red. At first I thought it was a simple fix, but as hour after hour peeled by, I realized I was going to need help from a coworker.
He wasn't experiencing the same thing, so the presumption he made was that it was my fault. He left me to resolve this issue by myself. The day passed and I hadn't gotten any further to solving it.
I looked at all the items I was working on. I hadn't done anything! And it was my fault! I put the tickets as done, but unable to get them pushed.
On Monday, a few coworkers had made changes over the weekend, but still no problems, yet my problems persisted. I reached out to a different coworker this time, and he could not find a solution to my problem, but eventually, he realized he too was getting the same error.
He started pressing everyone to immediately fix it, citing that I had been blocked for a long time because of this problem. Turned out this problem would take two more days to fix.
But why I had been so quick to accept it as my fault? Why did I immediately assume my job was in jeopardy because I couldn't fix it sooner?
It may not seem like much, but the fact that I make less than my coworkers makes me feel like I have less authority and less ownership. I'm tired of being told 'no' when I ask for a salaried position.
And that brings everything back, because this woman, who was the Dev-Ops for Coca-cola among other big name companies...was also told no whenever she asked for a raise. She watched her other male coworkers get promoted but not her. It was only 20 years ago where men would unabashedly and perfectly-legally say that she was a woman and 'Women didn't deserve to get paid as much.' 20 years!! The people that were 30 and saying that are now 50 and feeling it. Those that were 20 and hearing their male coworkers saying it, are now 40 and trying to run away from those demons that are surely, though quietly, stalking them in the darkness of their memories.
And now this woman says sorry to everyone. Because she's sorry. We're all sorry. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for being not what you hoped. Sorry for being different.
Sorry for being a woman.
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