Ben Folds

Suicide has been on my mind lately.

Not like I'm thinking about doing myself. But it's there, hovering behind me.

So many people have been in the news, dying from self inflicted harm.

The girl and the blue whale. The girl and the sharpies. The handicapped dude. The dude from likinpark.

I wanted to call and ask someone for help. Because the low that I was feeling was pretty painful.

I was in the bathroom thinking about who to call. I couldn't think of anyone. Steven already deals with all my shit. So I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to call my mom because I'd just make her worried and she's also has had to deal with all of my shit. I didn't want to call my brother and sister because they look up to me and I don't want them feeling lost because I feel lost. I didn't want to call Lupe because even though we've known each other since we were 5, she still doesn't know how insecure and low I can get sometime and I don't want to spoil it. I don't want to tell Aaron cause sometimes I think he only wants to listen to my problems cause he always has to be in the know. And I don't want to tell Cammy because she doesn't talk to me anymore.

So I just sucked it up and continued on with my emo mood.

Things got better.

I went shopping with Japan team and I was still emo. Then Yuji called me out of the blue while I was going to Off the Grid with Steven and I was still emo. The Rob Thomas + Counting Crows got canceled, and now Matchbox 20 only is performing on Tuesday and also Steven and I spontaneously went to see Ben Folds with the SF Symphony. I felt so blessed and happy that I could enjoy this experience. But I still felt emo.

 Then Steven and I started singing songs in the car like we used to and I felt really good, until some conversation turned the wrong way and Steven started accusing me of expecting too much from the band. You see, I finally got to sing some songs with the band, and they let me sing a whole bunch! i don't know what it means or anything, but I think Steven things that I may be they new front-man now that Caitlin is just getting too booked.

That would be really cool.

But Steven didn't like that I wanted the band to do One More Night because I could sing more, when compared with the other one that Steven is already singing. And it turned really tense.

But then, after a tense moment, of me agonizing over what to say, but drawing a blank as an invisible spoon slowly stirred my heart around. Steven said something finally.

"Sometimes the best singer doesn't get to sing. It's the person that shows up. So just keep showing up."

 It wasn't particularly kind, but it was supportive. He tried.

After that, we arrived home and he sucked it up when I started singing "Man in the Mirror" as he played. We had a good time.

Today, I might be a little emo. But my dreams and joy keep me going.

Nerves

Hey Nisha,

I posted pictures yesterday on google drive. I know you must want to see them. I'll send you an email invite!

Let me finish where I left off! So basically the first thing we all did with Aaron when he got in was go to room escape. I don't know why Nick, Steven, and I spontaneously decided to buy tickets for one. It was 2am when we decided, so maybe that's why.

Anyway, Aaron wanted to get coffee and Nick (or Adam) decided to go to some really far one which made us late. Which was decidedly frustrating because Nick had been like..."I don't want to be late. That would be so rude to them. You guys aren't prioritizing my gf's activities" etc. etc. I basically decided that Nick wasn't someone I wanted as a friend anymore, at least while his gf is around.

That being said, Nisha. We still are kind of. We walk to my desk after every InTune rehearsal.
I was trying to be nice, and audition as a Tenor for the solo because Nick wanted us to. I was so nervous. Maybe it wasn't a good idea? I don't know.

Anyway, I'll fill you in more about Iceland later.

Inside the Volcano

Ok Nisha,

Iceland was so one week ago, but I know I should talk about it.
It was kind of weird, first off. Nick was only hanging out with his girlfriend the entire first half, and all she wanted to do was "dick around in the city."

Well, whatever. The city was nice. It was small, that's for sure. But it had a church called Hallgrímskirkja that is supposedly taller than the Statue of Liberty. The organ inside was pretty fantastic, but nothing can compare to the humongous one at Temple Square, or the one in the egg-shaped church in temple square, or really any organ in Temple Square (Salt Lake City).

Steven was getting antsy to actually do something (as was I) so we scheduled a trip inside a volcano while Nick was dropping his gf off. The volcano is called Thrihnukagigur and was deeper than both Hallgrímskirkja and the Statue of Liberty. We took a window washing machine down inside with other tourists. Our tour guide's name was G***, oh wow. I forgot. I'll update this when I remember, but it's means Gift from the Gods.

The rock formations were amazing inside. There is this bed of sand rock that is formed when a nearby volcano exploded and it's lava cooled too quickly. Because of this sand rock, the lava erupted out of Thrihnukagigur was able to slowly exit out of the cave, causing the nice formation that we are able to explore.

We learned about the history of modern Iceland on that tour too. It wasn't until 40 or 50 years ago that Iceland was just a nation of herders and fishermen, and considered a undeveloped nation. Then suddenly there was a tech boom, and a tourism boom and they shot to a nation of haves. Iceland has one of the lowest socioeconomic disparities on the planet, and one of the highest happiness ratings as well. It's very telling.

Sidra loved the trip too, and was aksing all sorts of questions about what it's llke to be a geologist, for her Huqstuff charcter. The gentleame that I can't remember the name of described to her the many different jobs a geologist can have and it really opened her eyes. It was everyone's near favorite part of the trip. I'm also happy it was just Steven, Sidra, and I.


Well, that wraps up the first half of the trip to Iceland. I'll finish it up tomorrow. :)

Too Little Too Late

I went to Iceland last week. It was pretty weird and pretty cool. I'm still on my post Europe travel wake up early sleepy schedule. So I think I'll go to sleep.

But let me tell you....

SO MUCH STUFF HAPPENED NISHA.

Can't wait for you to hear about it!!

Really Every Day?

Dear Nisha,

I know, it's ANOTHER straight day I'm writing to you! It seems strange to be writing to you every day, how much can happen in the course of a few days?

I met with Yuji I guess? He let me take care of his violins. He says they emotionally traumatize him when he sees them because of all the stress of having to be good for his mother all the time. That must be tough, to be stressed by the very thing that should calm you down. I want to introduce him to "My Lie in Summer" as it is about a pianist that couldn't play because his mother abused him so much.

He told me that he finally caught those guys stealing from him....You know, the drug dealers we all knew were stealing from him but he insisted that it was the landlords doing? He told me how he decided to leave the improv show early to hang out with them and then they all dispersed in some coordinated fashion and managed to steal his $400. *sigh* The things we do for acceptance and validation. Mark only wanted to be friends, and they took advantage of him. He's afraid to go to the police because they might go after him. I don't care what he does as long as he's safe in Sacremento, you know?

I want to have sex with him so badly, but not when he smells of pot and cigarettes. And not when he feels more like a little brother that I have to take care of too. Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm not taking advantage of his frail mental state because someday he'll be metally healthy again, but for now, it feels weird to get too close to him.

I've been kind of pissed off at my dad. He told Sissy not to spend money on food while she was hear. And she gave her $200 in cash, only for her, even after mom said he'd give me $200 too. It was supposed to be my eid gift, that money. And I'm spending over $2000 on this trip for Sissy. *sigh* I want to buy her a fancy phone, that would be cool too. But I shouldnt' spend too much, especially if Dad is going to be such a cheapskate too.

When I told Pupi Joni that my dad punched me in the face, she said I deserved it. That's been three people that said I deserved to be physically injured because of my actions as a child. But can I tell you something, Dad punched me in the face because he thought I was looking at him funny. That's really what happened. He told me to go upstairs, and I did. And then we stared at each other. And then he punched me.

Dad doesn't even remember that he did. Can you believe it? He still calls me and idiot and brain-dead. The thing that makes me an idiot, is how I always chase after his approval, no matter how many times he's let me down.

But he's trying. And I'm an adult now and his words can't hurt me and I'm not at the house for him to smack around, so I can appreciate the gifts he gives me as a cautious friend, rather than a prisoner.

Life is good.