Ben Folds

Suicide has been on my mind lately.

Not like I'm thinking about doing myself. But it's there, hovering behind me.

So many people have been in the news, dying from self inflicted harm.

The girl and the blue whale. The girl and the sharpies. The handicapped dude. The dude from likinpark.

I wanted to call and ask someone for help. Because the low that I was feeling was pretty painful.

I was in the bathroom thinking about who to call. I couldn't think of anyone. Steven already deals with all my shit. So I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to call my mom because I'd just make her worried and she's also has had to deal with all of my shit. I didn't want to call my brother and sister because they look up to me and I don't want them feeling lost because I feel lost. I didn't want to call Lupe because even though we've known each other since we were 5, she still doesn't know how insecure and low I can get sometime and I don't want to spoil it. I don't want to tell Aaron cause sometimes I think he only wants to listen to my problems cause he always has to be in the know. And I don't want to tell Cammy because she doesn't talk to me anymore.

So I just sucked it up and continued on with my emo mood.

Things got better.

I went shopping with Japan team and I was still emo. Then Yuji called me out of the blue while I was going to Off the Grid with Steven and I was still emo. The Rob Thomas + Counting Crows got canceled, and now Matchbox 20 only is performing on Tuesday and also Steven and I spontaneously went to see Ben Folds with the SF Symphony. I felt so blessed and happy that I could enjoy this experience. But I still felt emo.

 Then Steven and I started singing songs in the car like we used to and I felt really good, until some conversation turned the wrong way and Steven started accusing me of expecting too much from the band. You see, I finally got to sing some songs with the band, and they let me sing a whole bunch! i don't know what it means or anything, but I think Steven things that I may be they new front-man now that Caitlin is just getting too booked.

That would be really cool.

But Steven didn't like that I wanted the band to do One More Night because I could sing more, when compared with the other one that Steven is already singing. And it turned really tense.

But then, after a tense moment, of me agonizing over what to say, but drawing a blank as an invisible spoon slowly stirred my heart around. Steven said something finally.

"Sometimes the best singer doesn't get to sing. It's the person that shows up. So just keep showing up."

 It wasn't particularly kind, but it was supportive. He tried.

After that, we arrived home and he sucked it up when I started singing "Man in the Mirror" as he played. We had a good time.

Today, I might be a little emo. But my dreams and joy keep me going.