Really Every Day?

Dear Nisha,

I know, it's ANOTHER straight day I'm writing to you! It seems strange to be writing to you every day, how much can happen in the course of a few days?

I met with Yuji I guess? He let me take care of his violins. He says they emotionally traumatize him when he sees them because of all the stress of having to be good for his mother all the time. That must be tough, to be stressed by the very thing that should calm you down. I want to introduce him to "My Lie in Summer" as it is about a pianist that couldn't play because his mother abused him so much.

He told me that he finally caught those guys stealing from him....You know, the drug dealers we all knew were stealing from him but he insisted that it was the landlords doing? He told me how he decided to leave the improv show early to hang out with them and then they all dispersed in some coordinated fashion and managed to steal his $400. *sigh* The things we do for acceptance and validation. Mark only wanted to be friends, and they took advantage of him. He's afraid to go to the police because they might go after him. I don't care what he does as long as he's safe in Sacremento, you know?

I want to have sex with him so badly, but not when he smells of pot and cigarettes. And not when he feels more like a little brother that I have to take care of too. Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm not taking advantage of his frail mental state because someday he'll be metally healthy again, but for now, it feels weird to get too close to him.

I've been kind of pissed off at my dad. He told Sissy not to spend money on food while she was hear. And she gave her $200 in cash, only for her, even after mom said he'd give me $200 too. It was supposed to be my eid gift, that money. And I'm spending over $2000 on this trip for Sissy. *sigh* I want to buy her a fancy phone, that would be cool too. But I shouldnt' spend too much, especially if Dad is going to be such a cheapskate too.

When I told Pupi Joni that my dad punched me in the face, she said I deserved it. That's been three people that said I deserved to be physically injured because of my actions as a child. But can I tell you something, Dad punched me in the face because he thought I was looking at him funny. That's really what happened. He told me to go upstairs, and I did. And then we stared at each other. And then he punched me.

Dad doesn't even remember that he did. Can you believe it? He still calls me and idiot and brain-dead. The thing that makes me an idiot, is how I always chase after his approval, no matter how many times he's let me down.

But he's trying. And I'm an adult now and his words can't hurt me and I'm not at the house for him to smack around, so I can appreciate the gifts he gives me as a cautious friend, rather than a prisoner.

Life is good.