He's gone now....

Dear Nisha,

Yeah, I didn't know what else to call it. Taka dumped me. I was coming, but I didn't see it until it was too late.

I'm not sure how to feel.

Well, that's not true. I feel sad and horrible. But...like I haven't even written about him. I barely have any pictures of him. I was totally not invested in the relationship because I didn't think someone as hot and loving and funny as he could like me. I've never had a guy that one could consider "hot" actually say he liked me before.

And I didn't want to lose control of myself, and I didn't want him breaking my heart, and honestly, I didn't trust him because there was no way that someone like him could like someone like me.

And then Steven's dad got sick, my aunt got sick, my sister needed help with everything, my meds ran out and I was having  a few pretty bad weeks. But rather than texting or calling him, I wanted him to call me. So I'd just send a bunch of sad emojis to him, and  he's stressed out with finals, wishing I'd text him good luck etc.  So it was all too much for him and he decided that it wouldn't work out between us. He just decided for us, and that was the end of it.

And then I go back and see how much he tried, how many 大好きs he'd send me, and face with heart eyes and ask me how my day was even though fell asleep and never responded.

And now that's exactly what I'm getting. And how can I blame him?

But I don't know what to do. It's easy when a guy breaks up for me to be like...ok, frig that. No more of that for me. But with Taka....I want it back so badly. I want to fix this very remedial problem. But of course I know it's a symptom of something larger. That Taka is whimsical and once he decided something, he has a hard time changing his mind. Liking me and not liking me included. And unfortunately, it's hard for me to talk to him when he's like that.

But we were learning. Didn't we figure out how to both enjoy birthday time with his friend and him go to the movies? Didn't we figure out how to deal with the bilingual business?

I feel so lost inside. I had this dream of something I really wanted and now it's gone. I should have saved his patience for when I was calmed the frig down, that's for sure.