I Hate Christmas

Hey Nisha,

Seems like the last time I started talking to you again after a major absence was Christmas in Maine. I never really minded Christmas so much, but there's something about being with a family that has to talk about Jesus four or five times a day that makes me feel the oppressive religious context that the Holiday has. Just this morning, North Korea was threatening Russia and Steve's dad comments sarcastically "Great time to make war, on Jesus's birthday." I reeled inside.

You know that North Koreans aren't Christians right? You know that most of that side of the world isn't Christian, right? Japanese, Chinese, North Korean, Indian, Indonesian, on and on and on. And besides, Jesus wasn't even born during Christmas! War on Christmas my ass, more like war on New Years, that the Christians started centuries ago.  Everyone recognizes the New Year. Maybe they mark the first day differently, but it's always the same thing we're celebrating. The earth completing it's cycle. What magic and wonderment that the earth repeats such a pattern of life and death and rebirth! Much more wonderful than some dead dude that supposedly got resurrected, but then died anyway and may be god even though he didn't say he was god...you know...it's cool.......? And he was born! Yay! Some dude I don't even know that caused millennium of wars over whether or not he was actually god, he was born. You know what, I prefer celebrating the more glorious nature of the world around me that continues to nurture me and care for me.

It is in our hubris that we started celebrating man's accomplishments rather than the world that helps man accomplish.

Ben Folds

Suicide has been on my mind lately.

Not like I'm thinking about doing myself. But it's there, hovering behind me.

So many people have been in the news, dying from self inflicted harm.

The girl and the blue whale. The girl and the sharpies. The handicapped dude. The dude from likinpark.

I wanted to call and ask someone for help. Because the low that I was feeling was pretty painful.

I was in the bathroom thinking about who to call. I couldn't think of anyone. Steven already deals with all my shit. So I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to call my mom because I'd just make her worried and she's also has had to deal with all of my shit. I didn't want to call my brother and sister because they look up to me and I don't want them feeling lost because I feel lost. I didn't want to call Lupe because even though we've known each other since we were 5, she still doesn't know how insecure and low I can get sometime and I don't want to spoil it. I don't want to tell Aaron cause sometimes I think he only wants to listen to my problems cause he always has to be in the know. And I don't want to tell Cammy because she doesn't talk to me anymore.

So I just sucked it up and continued on with my emo mood.

Things got better.

I went shopping with Japan team and I was still emo. Then Yuji called me out of the blue while I was going to Off the Grid with Steven and I was still emo. The Rob Thomas + Counting Crows got canceled, and now Matchbox 20 only is performing on Tuesday and also Steven and I spontaneously went to see Ben Folds with the SF Symphony. I felt so blessed and happy that I could enjoy this experience. But I still felt emo.

 Then Steven and I started singing songs in the car like we used to and I felt really good, until some conversation turned the wrong way and Steven started accusing me of expecting too much from the band. You see, I finally got to sing some songs with the band, and they let me sing a whole bunch! i don't know what it means or anything, but I think Steven things that I may be they new front-man now that Caitlin is just getting too booked.

That would be really cool.

But Steven didn't like that I wanted the band to do One More Night because I could sing more, when compared with the other one that Steven is already singing. And it turned really tense.

But then, after a tense moment, of me agonizing over what to say, but drawing a blank as an invisible spoon slowly stirred my heart around. Steven said something finally.

"Sometimes the best singer doesn't get to sing. It's the person that shows up. So just keep showing up."

 It wasn't particularly kind, but it was supportive. He tried.

After that, we arrived home and he sucked it up when I started singing "Man in the Mirror" as he played. We had a good time.

Today, I might be a little emo. But my dreams and joy keep me going.

Nerves

Hey Nisha,

I posted pictures yesterday on google drive. I know you must want to see them. I'll send you an email invite!

Let me finish where I left off! So basically the first thing we all did with Aaron when he got in was go to room escape. I don't know why Nick, Steven, and I spontaneously decided to buy tickets for one. It was 2am when we decided, so maybe that's why.

Anyway, Aaron wanted to get coffee and Nick (or Adam) decided to go to some really far one which made us late. Which was decidedly frustrating because Nick had been like..."I don't want to be late. That would be so rude to them. You guys aren't prioritizing my gf's activities" etc. etc. I basically decided that Nick wasn't someone I wanted as a friend anymore, at least while his gf is around.

That being said, Nisha. We still are kind of. We walk to my desk after every InTune rehearsal.
I was trying to be nice, and audition as a Tenor for the solo because Nick wanted us to. I was so nervous. Maybe it wasn't a good idea? I don't know.

Anyway, I'll fill you in more about Iceland later.

Inside the Volcano

Ok Nisha,

Iceland was so one week ago, but I know I should talk about it.
It was kind of weird, first off. Nick was only hanging out with his girlfriend the entire first half, and all she wanted to do was "dick around in the city."

Well, whatever. The city was nice. It was small, that's for sure. But it had a church called Hallgrímskirkja that is supposedly taller than the Statue of Liberty. The organ inside was pretty fantastic, but nothing can compare to the humongous one at Temple Square, or the one in the egg-shaped church in temple square, or really any organ in Temple Square (Salt Lake City).

Steven was getting antsy to actually do something (as was I) so we scheduled a trip inside a volcano while Nick was dropping his gf off. The volcano is called Thrihnukagigur and was deeper than both Hallgrímskirkja and the Statue of Liberty. We took a window washing machine down inside with other tourists. Our tour guide's name was G***, oh wow. I forgot. I'll update this when I remember, but it's means Gift from the Gods.

The rock formations were amazing inside. There is this bed of sand rock that is formed when a nearby volcano exploded and it's lava cooled too quickly. Because of this sand rock, the lava erupted out of Thrihnukagigur was able to slowly exit out of the cave, causing the nice formation that we are able to explore.

We learned about the history of modern Iceland on that tour too. It wasn't until 40 or 50 years ago that Iceland was just a nation of herders and fishermen, and considered a undeveloped nation. Then suddenly there was a tech boom, and a tourism boom and they shot to a nation of haves. Iceland has one of the lowest socioeconomic disparities on the planet, and one of the highest happiness ratings as well. It's very telling.

Sidra loved the trip too, and was aksing all sorts of questions about what it's llke to be a geologist, for her Huqstuff charcter. The gentleame that I can't remember the name of described to her the many different jobs a geologist can have and it really opened her eyes. It was everyone's near favorite part of the trip. I'm also happy it was just Steven, Sidra, and I.


Well, that wraps up the first half of the trip to Iceland. I'll finish it up tomorrow. :)

Too Little Too Late

I went to Iceland last week. It was pretty weird and pretty cool. I'm still on my post Europe travel wake up early sleepy schedule. So I think I'll go to sleep.

But let me tell you....

SO MUCH STUFF HAPPENED NISHA.

Can't wait for you to hear about it!!

Really Every Day?

Dear Nisha,

I know, it's ANOTHER straight day I'm writing to you! It seems strange to be writing to you every day, how much can happen in the course of a few days?

I met with Yuji I guess? He let me take care of his violins. He says they emotionally traumatize him when he sees them because of all the stress of having to be good for his mother all the time. That must be tough, to be stressed by the very thing that should calm you down. I want to introduce him to "My Lie in Summer" as it is about a pianist that couldn't play because his mother abused him so much.

He told me that he finally caught those guys stealing from him....You know, the drug dealers we all knew were stealing from him but he insisted that it was the landlords doing? He told me how he decided to leave the improv show early to hang out with them and then they all dispersed in some coordinated fashion and managed to steal his $400. *sigh* The things we do for acceptance and validation. Mark only wanted to be friends, and they took advantage of him. He's afraid to go to the police because they might go after him. I don't care what he does as long as he's safe in Sacremento, you know?

I want to have sex with him so badly, but not when he smells of pot and cigarettes. And not when he feels more like a little brother that I have to take care of too. Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm not taking advantage of his frail mental state because someday he'll be metally healthy again, but for now, it feels weird to get too close to him.

I've been kind of pissed off at my dad. He told Sissy not to spend money on food while she was hear. And she gave her $200 in cash, only for her, even after mom said he'd give me $200 too. It was supposed to be my eid gift, that money. And I'm spending over $2000 on this trip for Sissy. *sigh* I want to buy her a fancy phone, that would be cool too. But I shouldnt' spend too much, especially if Dad is going to be such a cheapskate too.

When I told Pupi Joni that my dad punched me in the face, she said I deserved it. That's been three people that said I deserved to be physically injured because of my actions as a child. But can I tell you something, Dad punched me in the face because he thought I was looking at him funny. That's really what happened. He told me to go upstairs, and I did. And then we stared at each other. And then he punched me.

Dad doesn't even remember that he did. Can you believe it? He still calls me and idiot and brain-dead. The thing that makes me an idiot, is how I always chase after his approval, no matter how many times he's let me down.

But he's trying. And I'm an adult now and his words can't hurt me and I'm not at the house for him to smack around, so I can appreciate the gifts he gives me as a cautious friend, rather than a prisoner.

Life is good.

Sissy!

Hey Nisha,

Wanna make this really quick, cause I have to sleeeeeeep!

Sister came in today. I'm so happy to see her! Then we drove to Aaron's bday party.

Melissa, Aaron's ex (but not really??) informed me that I was Adam's best friend, which really surprised me cause I thought Nick would be his best friend or something. Aaron and I don't hang out like we're friends, I just make complicated plans and he joins me. A friend to me is someone that I can just call and be like, bro what are you doing right now? And we do something, you know? Aaron and I NEVER do that. Aaron has really only suggested plans one time ever and it was to come over to my house and watch A Very Potter Sequel, and we all know how well that went.

Anyway, Melissa is so skinny, it's kind of scary. But I know she does marathons and stuff, so maybe that's why she is? But despite this, I still got jealous cause Aaron started swing dancing with her. He's not so bad, maybe I just had too much inertia so he seemed worse than he really was the night he swung dance with me. Which made me feel bad about myself, especially since this one couple that was there started showing Aaron how to hold her by her neck and dip her. I'm so heavy that Aaron could never do that to me.

No one danced with me and it kind of sucked. Well, actually, Sissy danced with me! Until she got to sleepy to dance. She's got jetlag so she hit the bed pretty hard.

I also had lunch with Yuji. Blah. He's still emo.

I do it for you

Yuji called today. Wanting to know about "our relationship." I get so stressed out when he calls, but a part of me keeps wishing that he might magically transform into the person that all his friends remember him being because it'd be really nice to be married and have kids with someone that can hold a steady job, is cute, and I can have fun with.

But he's so...I don't know. His whole motivation right now seems to be making me happy, but he never does anything that I want him to do to make me happy. Like literally the only thing I want from him is to start making good finacial sense. Return the random $500 phone you bought, use the money you have from your dad to pay off your $9000 in credit card debt, get a job. But instead, he's trying to make his house nice "for me." I don't even want to live in Sacremento. He's lost in his own little world and he just can't see it and it's driving me nuts. Because I want what he's offering so badly, but it's rancid, you know? It's another crazy guy who thinks I can save them, and I can't.

I was trying to get help concerning multi-line-truncate for artdeco from Hackmann, but Aaron overheard and offered his services instead. He commented that the only reason I had asked for Hackmann's help was to get his help, but I've kind of had it with Aaron. Not in a angry sort of way, just...I don't feel the drive to include him in my life like I once did.  I can't depend on him and work and that was....it for me really. If I can't depend on him to return a slack message at work about work stuff so much that I have to go to someone else to get the job done, then I didn't want help from you anyway really.

I'm upset with myself for leaving so early today. I wanted to finish up the artdeco stuff based on what Aaron and I had talked about, but instead I went home and planned the trip to Iceland. I mean, that is also important. But now I'm sleepy. My parents I'm sure will be happy to know that it will be along time before I plan a trip overseas.

I'm excited to see my sister. @_@ yay!

Dance Dance Revolution

In the game room of Building 4, on the floor right above where I sit at work, we have a game room, and inside, next to the ping pong table, is a giant Dance Dance Revolution machine. On the days the Japan team doesn't play ping pong, I go upstairs to play DDR by myself.

Though my ex-husband and I used to play DDR everyday together in our two bedroom flat in Chicago on Polk St., I sometimes think about a different person when I play: this big bear of a man that used to stand behind me in Marching Band at NIU. He always wore this brown corduroy shirt that matched with his gigantic brown beard and brown mess of hair.

Since we stood next to each other, we'd often talk about our lives. I remember him mentioned how mad he was that his dad agonized over his lawn but then never let anyone step on it, never to enjoy the fun one can have on a well tended lawn.

The reason I think of him and Dance Dance Revolution is because one day, this piccolo player he had a crush on joined me for a game of DDR while we were on a band trip. When I told him about it, he was very surprised. We quickly figured out it was because he confused DDR with D&D, and the piccolo player probably doesn't play Dungeons & Dragons.

Well, he wasn't really my type, but being incredibly...what's the word...amorous? desirous? really wanting some make outs?...well, whatever it was, I took a shot and asked him out.

He told me I wasn't my type.

I just remembered his name....Eric Miller.

Stay Tonight

I've been feeling down lately. I guess everyone gets the blues sometimes, as they say. Maybe it's cause I'm tired, maybe it's cause of Yuji. I don't know.

Aaron crashed at my place yesterday. It was terribly awkward. Steven and my roommate Robert told us he was going to bed, and Aaron wanted to check out my room. Well, Steven and I are sharing a room, so he looked a mite surprised when he saw this. At that moment, I felt like all chance I had with him just went away in a wisp of smoke.

But what do I know, he's still screwing his ex-girlfriend. I asked him about it, after the movie ended and we wished Micheal goodbye. We're both embarrassed about our situation. I wanted to ask more, but he doesn't open up to me like he does to Nick.  I'm not sure why he's embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because I don't want him to think that there's anyone else in the way of us being together.

He reminds me of Ian, in the way he pushes me to drink all the time. I realize, I don't like drinking. I really hate alcohol unless it's a chuhai. It's just....gross. I have to force myself, even if it's umeshu, because I hate sweet drinks now too, so no matter what alcohol is hard for me to stomach.

I wonder if that's how Yuji feels when I made him take his meds. We see no real benefit and our body doesn't want it in us. What is the difference really? Other than the fact that I've seen alcohol cause people to do stupid stuff, and gross stuff, and I get no benefit from it at all really. It just makes Aaron smile, and I really like when he smiles. But I think I'm over the alcohol. I can see a very real conversation that is hilarious that involves me just being like, "I don't drink! I like the feeling I have when I'm sober better!" And I tickle him until he gives in. Just an idea.

In all honestly, the only reason I'd want to get drunk is because I keep thinking that maybe he'd make out with me if I were drunk, which seems ridiculous and completely unsustainable. I hate alcohol.

Well, more updates on Yuji. The asshole offered me $400 Hamilton tickets. Great. You know, I'd like a guy who could buy me presents, if I didn't think he was hurting himself in order to get them. I wonder what I would do if I was manic. I love the manic feeling, you know. But I think that my friends could convince me that I might be bipolar if I had enough evidence. The question is, would my insane part accept it?

Maybe my insanse part is obsessed with acting normal so much that.....well, maybe I'm already bipolar and my obsession is being normal? Is that even possible? @_@

I'm clearly obsessed with bipolar way too much. I'm surrounded with it constantly it seems. How? Why? Thank god I don't have it. But for real, thank god. I mean, maybe I could handle it. But I'm happy working at LinkedIn right now. Nothing wrong with that!

Speaking of LinkedIn: I was stuck on this bug for like....well, not all the day, because most of the day was meeting, really long lunch with the guys, (annoying work stuff here), meeting where we basically talked about the suicide rate of Japan, and then me finally figuruing out hte problem that I was stuck on for like half an hour. And then I filled out expense reports. Granted, I probably shouldn't be wriging to you write now Nisha, since before when I was writign to you, it was to get my server running, but now I need to get work stuff done, so I should bid you adieu. But I did want to tell you, that while I had the same error and it meant that my framework wasn't linked properly to my ember app, this time it mean that I put my Sass function in the wrong scope.

Well, Nisha, see you soon!

Blind

Hey, Nizha,

Can't really look at a computer right now. Just touch typing this to you right now. I got surgery yesteerday!
Basci wrap up: Neil and I have been fighting for the past couple of days, cause he has to see me so much I suppsed now that Mark is in the hospital. Had a conference with his close friends and his psychiatrist about the past. present, and future of his mental disease. Either way, Mark is getting to smuch better.

Sam called last night, Mar's very ery good friend. He wanted to take over Mar's finacial assets. Not take over really, sjust be a coosigner or soething? Idk. Mark in his mania had determined that this would be my repsondibilitiy. Which, I'ms ure scares Sam as he doesn't know me and I'm not entirely commited to being his "wife" , but I do want what's best for MAr and I' not entirely opposed to getting married to him. U just wish he wasore stable, which he' may very well be on his meds.

I got to seng the solo today. That was fun. With Andy. Aaron told James he wanted to try doing the solo, but that would require Nick or someone else to take over his beatboxing duties. It's not likely that he will be able to find someone else, but it would be a dream come true to do a duet with Aaron. I wish I could muster up the couprage to ask him how he feels about me. I love him so much n a way that is so perfect. It's not painful, just hopeful and excited. I've never felt this way about anyone.

I hope he really will go on vacation with me. I would dye of joy.

Anyway, sorry abou the typos. Again, I'm trying this almost completely blind. Figure it was more fun to not correct it afterwards when I can see again and just publish it as it. Not a bad job I think.

Furries

What up Nisha!

So.....I went to a furries meetup at the King of Clubs today with Nick. It was pretty fun. I met this dude name Cam who had horrible breath but bad a great attitude and was one of the better singers there. He kept insinuating that Nick and I were having sex, which unfortunately is not the case. You see...

It all began Friday. As you might remember, I was interrogating Nick about his open relationship and he whispered to me that he "Had sex with women." That's literally all he said. I was like...well that was uninteresting. But on the way home he invited me to the meet up, and I had high hopes for the night, to say the least.

Well, Monday comes along and when I ask him about it, he doesn't remember us ever taking about it from the drunken stupor I didn't realize he was in (he totally looks the same drunk or sober >_<) He gives me the info anyway, I tell him I'll meet him there.

Work is sucking. I've gotten all my RB's and the code seems to be error free, but every time I push to prod, my pcs fails, then my pcl fails. I don't know what's going on but I really wanted it fixed before my surgery tomorrow. I'm about to lose it with mint when Nick texts me to let me know he's there.

Well, I'm running late! I bike home as fast as I can, pick up my car to visit Yuji at the hospital first. He seems much better, but he seems to be trying to appease me more than anything....*sigh* As soon as I leave, who knows what will happen. They have him on 300mg of Lithium 3x a day. If 300mg is the lowest dose, 900mg is the highest. Chris is concerned that he's faking his compliance too, but even having the ability to fake it is a sign he's recovering.

Even as crazy as he is, I want to feel him against me, but I pull myself away, giving him a nice show in my Slythine school skirt, and head to Furreoke. Nick is texting me where I am.

He looks great, in a black button down and dark khakis. He's called up immediately and he does both girl and boy parts to that opening song in La La Land. I want to jump up and join him, but I figure, maybe he wants to sing both parts? Idk. It's hard to read him sometimes, and the only way I know he appreciates my friendship is consistent acceptance of my invites, and now this most recent invitation.

After the song is done, we start talking and I ask him about Friday. I ask him about the women that's he's 'had sex with.' He looks....like something? Again, can't read, but I sense somethings up. "Are you sure you didn't just assume?" I don't know what I'd be assuming in this instance. "No you literally said 'I had sex with women.' That's all you said." "That's half right and half wrong," he replied. "I don't know what I said, but I only had sex with men. Two guys. Patricia gets jealous so I can only have sex with men."

Well, there goes that plan.

Nick and I go outside to talk and I ask him about how he and Patricia met. He begins the story with three failed college relationships, and at the end of the third one, his face finally changes. Barely perceptible, but his smile isn't as tight, and his eye stop moving as much, fixed out in front of him. As he remembers the loneliness he feels at this time, I finally feel something from him. Bright blue sorrow as quiet as a pond.

The story ends there for now, because a wolf man who's name is rather complicated and so I have forgotten interrupted to introduce himself to me. Nick promised we'd get together again and he'd finish the story. I was supposed to remember a secret passphrase. "Iron Horse" or something? Without any ending, I make up my own: that he's with Patricia, because Patricia will always be with him. I wonder how happy he is. I wonder why he tells me this stuff? I wonder when he had a chance to tell Aaron? But I do know why he and I were drawn together. And I wonder what will happen from here.

Ok, yeah, that never happened.

Sorry Nisha.

As you know, when the world is wonderful, I have a tendency to keep out of touch with those closest to me. Guess that means you. Now that things are crazy, of course I come back.

Well, let me give you a brief update at least, before I go into the usual relationship stuff. (I mean really, this blog is called "My boyfriend is Stupid." I guess its ok if its only about how my boyfriend is stupid >_<)

BUT FIRST. I'm working at LinkedIn!!! Can you believe it?! I'm on the Japan team, so I get to practice Japanese from time to time and I am surrounded by it at work. It is a dream come true! Food, friends, song. I get to sing with all my beautiful people!! I've met so many more too!

I have so much more to tell you, but don't worry. I'm doing this Habitica challenge that says I have to write to you every day, so I'll save that stuff for later. For now, let me tell you the immediate stuff.
I lost the letter I wrote to you on the back of a random envelope, so I'll have to summarize briefly the events of Friday.

As you know, I had my acapella concert performance with Internote. So many people came out to see me! Nick, Steven, Aaron, Thao, Rico, and I also invited Yuji. Well, Yuji was sitting quietly by himself on a sofa chair. I went to talk to him and he said he was drunk and doing fine just sitting. So I left my bag with him and gave him a hug and let him be.

The rest of us are having an amazing time singing songs and whatnot, and we're just about to head to nijikai when I can't find Yuji and I can't find my backpack. I mention this to Thao when the owner of the establishment comes and asks me if I'm looking for my husband. And at first, I tell him no, and think he's got the wrong person, but he pushes harder..."Skinny Asian dude? Carrying your backpack?" I will admit, Aaron was pouring drinks down my through in his usual "I want to get you drunk" fashion and though I am a self-proclaimed tea-totaler, I can not deny Aaron anything. So I was....a little dizzy. I mention this because I don't think I every really consciously figured out what was happening, but some instinctual being inside me figured it out and talked to the cops about why this man, who I had only met two months ago "on-line"  had my backpack, afterwich I got to listen to them describe how he was threatening people with knives and calling people the N-word. I don't think he pulled a knife on anyone, or he would have been in a shit-ton more trouble, and that is relevant to what happened the next day.

But for now, we are currently dragging Yuji everywhere because Aaron and Nick and I want to hang out more (Steven has had it right now, but he's being amenable). We hop in a lyft, me leading Yuji the entire way. Yuji starts showing off his heirloom wedding rings that he will be giving me apparently. I get a shoulder massage from Aaron. Yuji is waffling from joy and jealously at this. "Go ahead. Thank you! Now I don't have to," he says to Aaron, and when I tell Aaron that it hurts too much, Yuji eggs him on "She loves it" he says. I'm not sure what to say, and am reveling in Aaron attention.  We finally make it to tacos. Aaron says he's going to flirt with me to drive Yuji crazy, and though I would prefer not to drive Yuji crazy, I would love Aaron's attention, so I hesitantly agree. Aaron shoves a burrito in my mouth at this point, and I tell him about how I can't say no to anything he shoves in my mouth. It is momentarily, but deliciously awkward.

Aaron and Nick (and I, I regret to say) want to hang out more, so we head to a bar. Yuji tries to pick a fight with some muscle bound, tatted up dude with a Warriors jersey. He wants to know the score, he says. But he already knows the Warriors lost, the final game in a 13 game winning streak. He's just looking for trouble and Aaron and I pull him away. Aaron makes me carry his shit as we walk to the next place, so I make him carry my shit. But he gives it to Yuji and I quickly take it back, desperately trying to avoid a repeat of the concert episode. "Well played" Steven says, and I feel bad that maybe Yuji knows people are making fun of him. We get to the bar and Yuji tries to buy a beer, with the last $20 in his account. He asked me to stop him, and he conceded as I pulled the bill from his hand and handed him a Manga about Japanese history. It's in Japanese, and he is enthralled for the rest of the night. He also had unscrewed the spikes in his bracelet early on arrival, and I know he realizes what he's done, even though he still hasn't acknowledged it.

The rest of the night is uneventful. Aaron and Nick flirt with each other as I gawk happliy. Aaron begs me never to talk to Yuji ever again. We make plans to hang out during the upcoming week. We hop in a lyft, I query Nick and find out he's in an open relationship with his girlfriend, and finally we sing Hamilton show tunes until we make it back to my car.

The night is just about closing when Nick starts talking to me about my upcoming surgery, hinting that he likes his women wearing glasses, and Yuji starts making fun of Nick for having a crush on me. I don't know if he does, but Yuji certainly thinks he does. Nick invites me to furry karaoke meet up on Monday, so I look forward to asking him then. I have a little bit of a thing for Nick too. Not madly in love like I am for Aaron. But on the same level as Steven. If he was single, I would happily snatch him up in an instant and be perfectly content. I like Patricia too much though to ever want to come between them.....so this open relationship thing....is an interesting development.


BUT... PART II
Saturday morning rolls around, and in my dreams I finally realize that Yuji is suffering from Mania and I need to contact his friends right away. I don't know how to contact them short of facebook, and I see that Chris has already friended me. At first, I'm surprised. Either I made a really strong impression, or he just facebook friends everyone he meets.

But no. He's friended me for the same reason I've friended him. He was waiting for me to contact him so we could talk about Yuji. Immediately we're forming a plan to get him to the hospital. Steven has a police friend whos wife has gone bipolar and has some advice for us. We wait for him to come home, as he has decided after we got home at 3am, to take the 3hr trip to Sacramento. He tries to knock on Chris's parents door who are too scared to let him in. And eventually sleeps at his friends Kenji's place, though he has a bed at his home in Sacramento. After a few hours of sleep, he drives back.

He's finally home at 4pm Saturday, texting Chris and I "please" over and over again He wants help. So I tell him we're going to take him to the hospital. I tell him Chris is coming. He agrees.

Chris and I head to his apartment. I want to wait in the car, but Chris thinks we should go inside. We find Yuji pacing and confused. He wants his roommate to talk to us about something. I just want to grab Yuji and go, but Andrew seems put on the spot so I listen patiently. Some stuff was stolen from Andrew's room, apparently. The first place my mind goes to was the drug dealer addicts that he's been letting "clean" his house. The first place Yuji mind goes is to the landlord who he insists has it out for him and is dangerous and will kill us all. Suddenly all the times he's talked about the landlord make sense; it's the manic paranoia.

I tell him we're going to the hospital and he loses it with Chris and starts screaming at him. I start to move toward Yuji to switch his attention. Yuji wants me to take care of him. I tell him we're going to the hospital and he goes to his room for his flip-flops. Suddenly he begins to sob. I hold him, and rub his head. He knows he's going crazy, but the crazy part of him wants to stay that way. It's a battle as they try to become one, as they try to reconcile the existence of the other. Unfortunately, while Yuji might want himself and the crazy to coexist, the crazy only wants itself. The promises he makes are the only things keeping him tied to reality.

He's mad we're going to the hospital. But he said he would go. He's mad that Chris is here, but he said it was ok. He doesn't think he's crazy, but he told me he was going ballistic in a text message I have right here. The only thing he trusts is himself, so I need to keep him focused on that.

And me. Always me. Chris is amazed by how calm he becomes, how agreeable to the whole process he becomes when I'm around. It's way too much pressure. He sees me as the whole world to him. But I'm just one woman, who has to struggle with her own daemons every day. And now I have his. I don't know what to do, so I just keep doing it.

We get him to the hospital, we exchange stories. I meet these images that have suddenly become real people and we start making sense of everything Yuji has been telling us. Did you say yes when he proposed? Which time? The first time he did, I told him I though he was manic and he agreed. The second time, I told him he needed to get his shit together before we could think about stuff like that. The third, fourth, fifth time? Fuck if I can remember. Did you offer to pay for all the tuxedos? No. I wanted to help Yuji pay for his, but he spammed the group thread and then my hands became tied. How much did he pay the drug dealers to help him "move"? $2000? $400? Are they his friends or not? Does he have insurance or not. Do you think he's crazy or not?

Yuji's whole world has become a kaleidoscope of colors. Reality bending and morphing and reflecting at odd angles. And while his friends can finally see that the tapestry is spinning, Yuji is still inside, his head changing with every changing pattern as if it was the one before.

The only thing he is sure about is that he loves me at the expense of all else. But that power is only as good as he makes it. I can only tell him to do what he asks me to tell him to do. It his last bit of himself he has thrown out to save him from his own monsters. He's made me the one mirror he can trust.

At long last he takes his lithium. I leave him two books, his psyduck, and a kiss on the forehead before me and the other Chris make our way back home.

The next day, my dad called, but it's getting late, and that is a story for another time.

OMG

I can't even believe it Nisha! I'm at work right now;  I'll tell you all about it tonight!!!!

Sorry for being a woman

Hey Nisha,

So much has happened since we last spoke. I'm sorry that I haven't had much time for introspection recently.

It's an unusual thing that made me think to talk to you: I am now sitting next to a lady that does Dev-Ops. First off, I feel very connected to her. She is a woman who dresses the way she wants to and courageously lives the way she wants to. She's into death metal and cats. She dresses in baggy jeans and a hoodie. She's not trying to be a different gender, she just fits into female in her own comfortable way. I feel like I do too, but she and I feel comfortable with completely different things. I like strong colors, bold patterns, and unique cuts. She likes baggy pants and grunge shirts. I'm into musicals, and she's into death metal.

But somehow we become immediate friends.

We share a liking of acai bowls and chocolate-flavored omiyage. We love music. We both challenge ourselves with new things.

And we both apologize too much.

It's hard for me to come to terms with how guilty she feels at accepting offers from me.
It is the woman's curse. I don't know when we were hexed, or by whom. I spent decades getting beaten by my father, never apologizing to him as I do to society. I am in constant fear of my own failings.

Let me describe how these fears manifest, Nisha, as I have a tale for today.

So I had just finished a product, as I was about to push to remote when I started getting an error. My whole screen turned red. At first I thought it was a simple fix, but as hour after hour peeled by, I realized I was going to need help from a coworker.

He wasn't experiencing the same thing, so the presumption he made was that it was my fault. He left me to resolve this issue by myself. The day passed and I hadn't gotten any further to solving it.

I looked at all the items I was working on. I hadn't done anything! And it was my fault! I put the tickets as done, but unable to get them pushed.

On Monday, a few coworkers had made changes over the weekend, but still no problems, yet my problems persisted. I reached out to a different coworker this time, and he could not find a solution to my problem, but eventually, he realized he too was getting the same error.

He started pressing everyone to immediately fix it, citing that I had been blocked for a long time because of this problem. Turned out this problem would take two more days to fix.

But why I had been so quick to accept it as my fault? Why did I immediately assume my job was in jeopardy because I couldn't fix it sooner?

It may not seem like much, but the fact that I make less than my coworkers makes me feel like I have less authority and less ownership. I'm tired of being told 'no' when I ask for a salaried position.

And that brings everything back, because this woman, who was the Dev-Ops for Coca-cola among other big name companies...was also told no whenever she asked for a raise. She watched her other male coworkers get promoted but not her. It was only 20 years ago where men would unabashedly and perfectly-legally say that she was a woman and 'Women didn't deserve to get paid as much.' 20 years!! The people that were 30 and saying that are now 50 and feeling it. Those that were 20 and hearing their male coworkers saying it, are now 40 and trying to run away from those demons that are surely, though quietly, stalking them in the darkness of their memories.

And now this woman says sorry to everyone. Because she's sorry. We're all sorry. Sorry for being a disappointment. Sorry for being not what you hoped. Sorry for being different.

Sorry for being a woman.

Venn Zoned

So, dear Nisha, I am currently sitting at the P.F.Chang's on Bay Street in Emeryville, close to where I landed when I first arrived in California, two and a half years ago. It's hard to believe it was that long ago, back before it seemed to matter what my reproductive organs were doing or not, and before I even knew I wanted to be a programmer.

Maybe I'll tire of it, but unlike most things I try to do, it just comes naturally. It's challenging, granted, but in the sort of way that a video game is. I get into a zone that I can't get out of unless I successfully solve the problem.

Speaking of Zones, that's what this conversation is about Nisha. If you will bear with me, you are much more patient than anyone I know, thank you for that.

Aside from mental zones, I am in a weird friend-zone place with all my potential love interests. Steven and I are still a couple, but he is testing out our...

Man, Nisha, I've suddenly become so sleepy. It's not you! You're absolutely great! We've been friends for so long! I'm just...I didn't sleep well yesterday. I hung out with Aaron yesterday. I managed to score a 'date' because I had gotten sad about Steven going on a dinner date with Tran, a Vietnamese girl he's been going out with recently. It scares me that I was rewarded for being sad, but it did improve my mood by day and night. 

All night Aaron kept me asking how I was, I didn't know what to say. The truth is, I was sad that no one was head-over-heals in love with me like I wanted to be with them. I had been for one, wonderful week. I know some people will never be as lucky for even a week of that kind of love, but I want it back so much. I said ok to being Aaron's friend; he told me to just keep texting him even if he doesn't respond, so I do, even though I feel weak for it. I've been enjoying his company now that I'm feeling comfortable around him. He walked me through getting my Linode server up and running! And this is where I get confused.... Steven jokes that he's trying to seduce me the same way he seduced me, they both even try CS-related pickup lines. My heart leaps at the thought of it, but honestly, I think Aaron is just trying to be helpful, and I'm just being hopeful. He talks so freely about our night together, as if he was just used to having sex with his friends. Well, I'm not. It was special in a way that I wish I could erase with something longer, and something more real.

I don't know why he suddenly lost interest, but with enough one-on-one 'friend' meetings, I think I'll find the truth. It was truly comfortable talking to him last night. And.... it was nice to have a friend again.

Oh! But I forgot to tell you why I was tired! He told me to download a video game, because we have a date to do some game designing!!!! I'm SO EXCITED MOBILE DEVELOPMENT!!!!

A New Year's Text

Hey Nisha,

I would first like to say that my current....boyfriend (?) is definitely not stupid. He is great. He wanted to make sure that I mentioned that because of course, this blog is currently called "My boyfriend is stupid" because that's what I called it during the "Spring Again, Then Summer" journal times. My current boyfriend is so not-stupid-but-great, that he decided he would help me get a wordpress journal set up so I can culminate all my diary/journal digital blogs into one site. And eventually I will bring all the physical pages here as well to to give you all the back story (because I'm sure you care what I thought when I was 6), but you know, you're me so maybe you do.

Anyway, Aaron texted me today. It was a very long text that I suppose I could include here, because that's what Anne Frank would do, and she is currently my new hero...

Hey! So…I've been a bit of an ass the last two weeks – I didn't even send you a Merry Christmas message or a thank you for the amazingly thoughtful (and work-intensive, how did you do that!?) gift you left on my desk. On that note, how did you know where I sit?… You're full of mysteries. Anyway, as you may have guessed, Melissa and I are nowhere close to out of the woods yet for this whole relationship thing and I don't think I can even entertain starting another relationship until we figure our stuff out – it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved! In the mean time, if you don't hate me yet for not getting you a thoughtful, wonderful gift and can forgive me for not talking to you for two weeks… I'd love to stay close friends through both our respective breakups. I promise, I'm back on the texting bandwagon – consider it a New Years resolution :)

How was Christmas?! How are you and Neil? Having fun with his family? Doing anything fun for New Years? How are you? Do you hate me? Have you every seen Flight of the Concords live? HOW DO YOU LIKE RICK AND MORTY?!?!

And here is my reply....

Wow, that's a lot of questions. ha ha. This is going to turn into a veritable novel, but since you likewise write me novels via text, I hope you can forgive me. First off, no problem not sending me a "Merry Christmas" nor getting me a gift. Steven thought is was hilarious that a Muslim was giving a Christmas present to a Jew anyway. That is how I found your desk, next off. He used his magic LinkedIn seat finder, and had a great ol' time because when I found the game room (right next to your desk?!?!?!), I excitedly ran inside, only to find two people camped out there sleeping in duffle bags or something. The gentleman jerked up and I could only make out his silhouette, his shiny eyes, and another duffled-up figure next to him. I slammed the door and we both ran, laughing our heads off. I'm glad you liked (maybe?) the gift; my grandmother passed on to me a love of music boxes (third off) and the song has been stuck in my head since you sang it to me. I learned the harmonies as requested, but I might need to practice it a bit more. 😊 Christmas was pretty good, fourth off. There was plenty of snow and plenty of singing! I also, as you know, watched Rick and Morty (fifth off). I LIKE IT!!! ha ha. It's really graphic :p but they way they mix interdimensional travel with simple sitcom is @_@. The Morty Shield episode? WTF. That was amazing. Sixth off, NO I HAVEN'T SEEN FLIGHT OF THE CONCORDS LIVE, but I WOULD LOVE TO. For New Years (seventh off), I convinced Steven to play some Legend of Zelda. He wanted to go in fan order so he's playing through SNES version. He's definitely not a gamer, but it's funny watching him try. We also went to a seafood place with his folks and stayed up watching Griffin and Cooper. Eighth off, Neil and I are good. If you mean relationship wise, it's just as complicated as it was when we first spoke about it. Way too long and nuanced for text messages, but I am happy to give you the full details if you are interested. Maybe we can go for some ACTUAL Yaki Niku this time >_<  I want to know more about your relationship weirdness as well, friend-style.

OK! That's done! Now for MY QUESTIONS!

1) How was Texas? 

2) How was Christmas/New Years? 

3) Do you like Flight of the Concords?? 

4) How is your donation website going? 

5) Carrie Fisher?? :( 

6) Game of Thrones?? :) 

7) We still going to Avenue Q? 

8) We have two tickets to Zelda Puzzle Room, would you and/or plus one like to attend? Feb 1st 9PM in SF 

9) YAKI NIKU?

I've numbered them for easy reference.

Please respond to 7, if nothing else. 

Best wishes for the New Year :) あけましておめでとう！

Twice as long....oh well. I can't say it matters much. I'm happy with the way things are at the moment. And I was happy before too. There was two weeks where things were tough because of Cameron, but other than that.... Well, I'm just happy as a canary in the spring. Life is complicated but going pretty well. :) I'll tell you about Cameron in a later entry. For now, I have to go to sleep! 

BEST WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR!